I went to the doctor went it felt like my elbow exploded. The urgent care doctor said I had tendonitis and to rest it. Well it didn’t help. I went to my primary care doctor who gave me some cortisone shots and other meds and told me I had tendonitis and carpal tunnel. I followed her advice but it never got better. Not even 2 weeks after the cortisone shot I was back in pain and it was getting worse.

I finally went to my ortho doctor and he promptly sent me off for nerve tests. I had an electromyogram or EMG and a nerve conduction study or NCS. The test themselves were quite a trip. Nothing like being poked and shocked.

The results of those tests were given to me yesterday at 3:30 by the doctor. The tests showed positive results for a pinched nerve in both arms, but nerve damage in my right. My ulnar nerve was trapped/pinched by my elbow. This is called cubital tunnel syndrome or ulnar nerve entrapment.

So what does all that mean. It means that I will have surgery to move the nerve and provide it more space. This will reduce the pressure on it and should take care of the pain, numbness, and such.

Currently I do not know the exact date of the surgery. The doctor wants to do it one week from today on 8/5. He said that I would be able to return to work on Monday. Thankfully I have enough vacation time to be able to take off 2 days. Until the surgery I am not supposed to lift anything more than a cup and to take it easy. I am taking Advil and pain medicine to help me deal.

Surgery and all this pain and trouble was not the route I was hoping to go, but as bad as my arm has hurt – I was willing to cut it off with a plastic butter knife. I will let everyone know when the date, time, and place is for the surgery.

I would love to have your prayers. Things are a bit rough currently and this is just another hurdle.

I have believed from day 1 that the “top cats” venue would be the 86’s home. I knew that God would deliver the funds for us to close and I know He will deliver the means to do the remodel. I know that one day it will be my “job”. I believe all those things without a shadow of a doubt. Sure it may take awhile or the money may not come for 9 days past closing – but I knew God would provide.

The flip side of that is as I sit here there is a lot on my plate that only a divine intervention could fix. I have done all that I can think to do…I have prayed and I have tried to remedy the issues myself. And well neither have gotten me anywhere. I have prayed very specifically for the needs – listing the exact amount. Yet I have no faith that it will come through.

I am a child of God. I know that He doesn’t wish to see me suffer and that He provides for my needs. But as the rubber hits the road in this moment – I don’t see it happening.

Last night I shared this with the folks at The Connection. They know I am in over my head and need prayer and action.

I am trying to not speak the negative of all that is going on. I am trying to speak of the positive. I am trying to focus on where I do see God working. The verse below in bold is my cry right now.

Mark 9:23-25 (NIV)

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”

I wish I could put into words how encouraging it is for me currently, but I’ll just let the song speak for itself.

Enjoy!

For Those Who Wait – Fireflight

This is for those who wait

Another day, another waiting game
A little different but it’s still the same
I am here, but where’s the one I’m longing for?
I’m having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home?
I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know
I know I’m not the only one

So we sing a lullaby to the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire, let it set you free
When you’re fighting to believe
In a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I’m growing stronger every single day
God, I’m going to lean into You now
Letting go of all my fear and doubt
I can’t do this on my own so I’ll give You control
I know I’m not the only one

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

Stephanie’s Story from The 86 on Vimeo.

My friends are currently studying the book of Job and although I haven’t been to a gathering yet, I am attempting to run along side them by doing the homework as well. (You should follow the blog for the study, it’s here).

One of the homework assignments was to read one of a few selected books that had similar themes to the story of Job. One of the books on the list was ANGRY CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD by Susan Isaacs. Ironically enough I had had the book on my audible wish list for a couple months and just hadn’t downloaded it yet. So seeing it mentioned for the study I thought ok I’ll download and listen to it now.

Let me share a brief about the book from the website -

Angry Conversations With God began when Susan hit hit forty and found herself loveless, jobless, and living over a garage. When a churchy friend told Susan that she needed to look at her relationship with God was it like a marriage, Susan decided to take God to marriage counseling.

Angry Conversations chronicles Susan’s spiritual history, from childhood faith to a midlife crisis, and all the bizarre church experiences in between.

I was raised Lutheran: Bible-believing, Jesus-loving Lutheran. But as an adult I tried everything: Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Rock ’n’ Roll Slackers 4 Jesus, Actors for Yahweh. Then I said, “Screw it,” and became a drunk and a slut. Well, a Lutheran slut- I only slept with two guys. Then I got sober and into AA, where I could pick whatever God I wanted. But I didn’t pick God; God picked me. I’ve known him as long as I could remember. I’ve been washed in the blood, slain in the Spirit; I walked through the Bible, I’ve been baptized twice; I’ve done outward cleansing and inner healing. I even went through a therapy program for ex-gays, and I was never gay. Through it all, even if pastors hurt me or friends let me down or entire denominations went Shiite on my ass, I still believed God was good. Until that moment in Central Park…

I will start off by saying that I found myself sucked in from the first few minutes of listening to the book. Not only was the content something I identified with (deeply) but Susan reads the book herself. Her tone and inflection really adds a dimension to the story that would fall flat if someone else had read it or if I had just picked up the book. Hearing the depth of her voice in parts is what really cut through the muck to my heart.

I will be the first to admit that I have had many angry conversations with God. I can remember moments where, if God had a physical chest, I wailed and pounded on it. I can think of a time where I walked away – wanting absolutely nothing to do with Him or His people ever again. I have screamed, cussed, fumed, and given the silent treatment – but like Susan “Through it all, even if pastors hurt me or friends let me down or entire denominations went Shiite on my ass, I still believed God was good.”

This isn’t much of a book review, perhaps that will come through the next few entries but what I do what to encourage you to do – is to read/listen the book. We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all had crazy religious friends. We’ve all had moments of being angry. And we all need to sit back and let laughter and sarcasm help wash the wounds a bit.

Sidenote – Susan has a blog and a twitter. I really highly recommend reading and following her.